Birds of a Feather

 Since childhood, I've seen people have large friend groups, especially my cousins. They would all be closer than family and be really happy in each other's presence. They could confide anything in each other. I've always seen people have such circles and crave for such everlasting friendships. It would give me major FOMO. But then I would always have a close circle of friends who meant a lot to me, which gave me a sense of consolation. They were quite fun, too, and I would have a blast with them.

I was a pretty introverted child. It took me a long time to come out of my shell, and when I did, people took notice and started hanging out with me. People found my insights and jokes interesting, so I became part of groups. But I would always feel left out since most people found me uncool and always tried to belittle me. I thought that something was wrong with me, but I never realised that people perceive me as unremarkable in their first impression.

Another major heartbreak for me was when a best friend from my childhood had a fallout with me. It didn't happen suddenly, but over time. We were absolute soul sisters. She too, I believe, started finding me uncool, or maybe she was ashamed of being a friend with someone like me. It took me time to let go of that. 

Even though I've made a good amount of friends in college. All of them are amazing people and have taught me so much, but this shattering incident still affects me. It is maybe why, even though I have a nice group of friends, they have not been able to be close to me. In college, everyone yearns for friendships that last, and I do believe that my friends will stay in touch, but I have longed too much for closeness. 

Now, I've realised that it's important to let your insecurities from your past experiences go. Only then, you can live in the present moment and be part of any group. It is unfair to impose your expectations on someone and hinder the connect, because nobody is perfect. You cannot expect them to see the world from your lens. In order to truly be happy, you need to understand that the very nature of relationships is impermanence. You must enjoy it while it lasts, and not wonder what would happen in the future or mull over what others think about you. 

Be your best friend.

This blog was written hastily for my own cathartic purposes.

Love and only love,

Shrilekha