Mediocrity - The Bane of My Existence

It's been a while since the first blog but something happened today and I want to get it off my chest. I participated in a stand up comedy audition where the audience didn't laugh at my jokes. I wasn't even able to articulate my sentences. My English was just not Englishing. I'm at fault really because I didn't prepare for it even though I'm known to mess up public speaking historically. I thought I was naturally hilarious. The other people were really funny and left the audience in stitches throughout. They were well-prepared and had a natural flair for it. 

After the stand up comedy audition, I was called immediately for a singing audition. My mind was on what went wrong in the previous audition and what those people would've thought about me, so it naturally poured into this one. I was singing "Moh Moh Ke Dhaage". I practised it before but I just couldn't hit the high notes for some reason. The seniors who were taking the audition were really kind and let me come back after three people after sensing my anxiety. I went to the bathroom to reharse again and I did fairly well after that.

I've been learning Carnatic music for over thirteen years now, yet I don't have the kind of expertise that I should have.  If I sing, people would maybe guess that I've been learning for 7 years at the most. A lot of people with absolutely no training would be able to outperform me. I've been wired to the structure of Carnatic music that I can't loosen up a little to sing film music. It's very frustrating that I can't even crack university level competition after all these years.

Yes, I don't sing for validation. If I did, I would've quit right after my mom stopped pushing me to go to classes. I sing for self-improvement and happiness. I try to sing as an offering of my bhakti. A lot of people have complimented my voice but I still have a long way to go. I will continue to put in my efforts and dedication towards this.

I hate settling for mediocrity. Yes, I know, being average is totally fine. One cannot be good at everything. It's bad for you to over-exert yourself. But doesn't everyone want to unleash their full potential and push their buttons to experience the limitlessness of life? Striving for excellence gives you inner joy and contentment. Even if you have to work hard, passion smoothens the road for you. 

I want to give my 100% to all my endeavours. But the truth is that I'm not very exceptional. The only reason people think I'm smart is because speak up a lot in class and have a knack for getting good grades without much grinding. I was academically gifted since primary school. So I believed that I was incredibly bright. JEE completely shattered my fallacy.

Of course the path to one of the most difficult exams in the country isn't going to be a smooth ride. You're stuffed in a room of people who are ingenious. The weekly exams take a hit on your confidence levels. I didn't realise how much one has to toil to get into IIT. I believed I could just because my dad did. I trivialised the struggles faced by him in his grim conditions. 

Anyway, I was too discomposed throughout my JEE journey. Not that I didn't work hard, but it was inadequate. I did well in my board exams and got a JEE score that was not bad, but wasn't even good enough for me to qualify for Advanced or even get into a reputed government college. My EAMCET rank was shameful(2,22,222) because I didn't prepare for it. I managed to get to the interview of IIM Ranchi after writing IPMAT, but got waitlisted. Honestly, if I had focused on that exam, I would've gotten into IIM Indore. Anyway, all these debacles weighed me down, and opened my eyes to the fact that I was nobody special and just a nonentity in the masses. 

Why I chose to change my route from engineering is another story. After I got into Mahindra University, I started doing well in academics. I'm not the best in class or anything, but I do pretty well and try to extract the most I can from classes. Initially, I wanted to be numero uno, but I realised that it's only the first semester and these subjects new to me, so I can discount myself a little for it.

Earlier, I looked down on people who were not very academically inclined, but in University, I started appreciating that each person's consequences are a product of their own conditions. Marks don't make someone good-for-nothing. With that being said, I still want to ace my upcoming college and competitive exams.

Perfection and triumph are not the purpose of life. In fact, things like being a good person and having healthy relationships are more important. What we must strive for are focus, compassion, happiness, knowledge and growth. I'll try to work towards each of these. Yet, I want to be a cut above. I want to challenge myself intellectually. I want to have clarity of thought in order to vocalise and express myself. I want to start reading again to attain knowledge and be able to write without restraint. I want to gain mastery over my vocal chords. I may not be able to accomplish everything, but every consistent step of mine will count. Swami Vivekananda has given ideals to the world; as someone associated with Ramakrishna Math, I should make an effort to live up to them. 

“All power is within you; you can do anything and everything. Believe in that, do not believe that you are weak; do not believe that you are half-crazy lunatics, as most of us do nowadays. You can do any thing and everything, without even the guidance of any one. Stand up and express the divinity within you.”