I'm back

 Hi, again. You guys have no idea how many drafts that have been pending. I sit down to write something about something that I really want to let you know, but it's just not happening. I know, I've been lazy, but not listless. Plus, too many people have been nudging me to keep writing. So this time, I'm gonna see the end of this write-up. Even if they're short, I'm gonna get through them and hit the 'Publish' button. Okay, so where do I begin. It's been an eventful year. First year of college seems to have flown by in the twinkling of an eye. 

This year has been one of immense growth for me. I know I've written about this before, but I still want to bring it up again because what I want to write is a continuation of it. 

Exactly a year ago, I was not only clueless, but scared stiff about what the future held. All my notions of how smart I was crumbled in front of my eyes. My decisions misfired. Everything was going off the rails.

I spent two years  preparing for an exam that I believed would buy me an entry ticket to a successful lifestyle: JEE. Only, even though I knew it was incredibly gruelling, I didn't put in the effort I needed to. I believed I was smart enough to crack it. And then I discovered another entrance exam, IPMAT, that could land me in an IIM. Plus, I found out that I was better at this than JEE, so I started preparing for it. I just didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket, so I spread too thin and couldn't devote adequate time for either. Ok, lemme not take myself down completely, I did very well on my board exams, but got an 80+ percentile for JEE MAINS, which was incredibly upsetting. I got a really poor EAMCET score, too. I could get into a not so bad college with my JEE score, but that was not what I wanted. 

I got a great IPMAT score, and even gave an interview, but there were people who had both higher test and interview scores. I didn't get in. I thought I was very calculative and smart for playing it safe. But I chased two rabbits and caught none. I thought to myself that if I had focussed more on IPMAT, I would've made it. I cursed myself over and over for my daft foolishness. 

Anyway, all this made me realise that engineering was not really my cup of tea, so I found a course that was inclined to my interests, which is BA Economics and Finance at Mahindra University. Coming from a family where everybody has only pursued engineering or medicine, it was a difficult decision. Everybody seemed to think that I was wasting my potential since a 'BA' was the lowest, most shameful thing you could ever do. Suddenly, I was no more the smart kid in their eyes.

But it doesn't really matter what others think. I started enjoying my classes. In the beginning of my first year, I really wanted to prepare for UPSC, but then I let go of that idea for preparing for the CA exams. I studied for the exams, which happened in June 2024. These exams happened to coincide with a two-week program at college. I was already doing terribly at that program, which had 4 credits, which was more than any of the subjects we had earlier. It was sort of like a game, the worst game I ever played, and my group was consistently at the bottom of every round, which means that we would be getting the least marks. This put unnecessary pressure on me. I thought that I would still skip a few days for my exam, but I spoke to somebody who told me that it would be difficult for me to pass if I didn't show up. I requested some professors to give me an exception, but they wouldn't budge.

I felt like my world came crashing down, again. I cried for three days. I cried whenever I called my parents. They think I'm wasting my potential. I had always thought of myself as a really strong person, who could maintain poise and equanimity, but that was only during moments of small  ups and downs. I just couldn't set my priorities straight. Was I too worried about my grades? Was I not prepared enough for the CA exams? Is that why I was unable to pick this. People told me again and again that the CA exams would guarantee me something that college couldn't, and yet I was unable to let this go.

When did my become this weak? All those moments I showed composure felt like a mere facade. I bothered my parents too much with my crying. I felt that I was trying to be an overachiever while wanting to be lazy. 

Most of my friends are filthy rich. I was appalled by their notions of something being cheap or expensive. They don't understand what being middle-class is like, let alone poverty. How did I let slip that the standard of life that I'm living today is because my father toils everyday. How did I forget that my father escaped uttermost penury by burning the midnight oil? Why did I forget that I had to put in the effort? If I don't work hard, I know that I'll be doomed to poverty.

I freaked. And did not write two of the exams. I went and wrote the other two only to find out that they were pretty easy. Anyway, it's ok, maybe I'll have to work harder, both academically and on myself. I don't understand when that fire in my belly dampened. 

My feeble-heartedness took me by surprise. I didn't want my mental health to be tumbling down. I picked up a book of the Bhagavad-gita and started reading.

Nothing is permanent. Both pain and pleasure. I just need to let go of my fears. I need to let go of all the thoughts that I'm not good enough or weak, or that I won't ever taste success in competitive examinations. I need to stop wishing for all my unrealisitc fancies for comfort. I need to pack my bags and take off from my comfort zone. 

In the past few years, I've been a person who could be happy no matter what, but in the last one year, dissatisfaction creeped in at a snail's pace, and I didn't take notice. What I need to let go of is my excessive greed for more, and set realistic goals. Mere ambition will do me no good. What I really need is discipline, which will keep me on the road. It will take time for me to develop it, but a fifteen minute reading of the Bhagavad-gita pushed me to tears and gave me a sense of clarity. I've also decided to read the teachings of Swami Vivekanada to avoid such moments of enervation. I need to be careful not to overtax myself, but work hard enough. I need my happy self to resurface and last forever. 

Most of you might not get to the end of this blog, but at least I did! Bravo to me for finishing this off! I hope you're not too bored, and have something to take away from my experience. I'll try my best to keep writing, and hopefully I'll write something more fun. Thank you!

Love,

Shrilekha